Contributed by Susan R.

Q:  Men are too intimidated by me

and I find it hard to get second dates. Why does my success seem to get in the way?” — Tiffany D.

A:  Men want successful women.

I work with lots of men and women counseling them about their love lives.  I find the vast majority of men are looking for successful women who have their own jobs and ability to make money.  They are excited when they don’t have to worry about financially supporting a woman, when she has her own passion and when she makes the reach for the check.

I find the biggest problem facing successful women in the dating world is they do not know how to transform themselves from their work self to their dating self.  This does not mean you are two different people, it just means you have to realize you are on a date.  A lot of dates happen right after work so you are still in that work mode or rushing, getting things done and talking quickly.  On a date you want to relax, get to know someone and listen.  You have to get yourself in the mindset that you are there for romance and romance will come.  You are not there to quickly access whether or not this person is good enough for you.

Here are some tips to help you get in the mindset:

• Change your clothes.  If you cannot change your whole outfit, change part of it but get out of that business suit.  In most fashion magazines, there is a section every month on how to change and outfit from day to evening.
• Redo your makeup. Add to it or change it up.  Get yourself ready for the evening.
• Let your date choose the place to meet.  It will show you what his interests are, what type of food he likes and ask why he chose it.
• Listen. If he says something you don’t agree with, don’t argue about it.  This doesn’t mean you should drop your own opinions. You can share them also but instead of saying I disagree and prattling off a bunch of reasons. Learn about him as a person and ask “Why do you feel that way?” or “what experiences did you have that lead you to that belief?” You will find out about who his is.  Then you can share your side of the story, how you feel and what led you to your beliefs.  This makes the date a conversation and not a argument about who is right.
• Don’t talk about work. Talk about who you are and what you enjoy in life. Focusing on work brings you right back to stress.
• Smile. It helps relax everyone involved and takes the stress out of the first meeting.
• Say thank you that evening in person, not by text or email the next day.  Leave at the thank you and let him pursue you.  The chase is the exciting part.

I understand the thrill of taking charge and being independent, but after many relationships of being in charge, I discovered that being in charge sometimes and letting someone lead other times is the healthiest way to have a relationship.

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