Contributed by Noreen Sumpter, Personal Life Coach 

Why do relationships have to be so difficult? That is the chant of many going through a breakup. When you are going through a breakup, do you recall conversations that soothe your pain and make the other party into a despicable person? Do you look for anything to make yourself look good and the other person look bad?  Do you dredge up past hurts, thoughts and feelings to help justify why things did not go the way you wanted?  Do you take the breakup personally thinking that something must be wrong with you?

Breakups are really not meant to be personal but, it takes resilience and honor to remain a balanced, loving individual who can look at any breakup in a constructive way. Doing so can help you see that before any breakup, there are often communication issues along the way. Women want to know why men become silent, and cannot communicate; men cannot deal with the constant rehashing of old conversations commonly known or referred to as nagging.

If you are honest with yourself, in most relationships, there are breakdowns in communication long before there is a breakup—sometimes you recognize them and sometimes you don’t or even ignore them. But, what if you thought of a breakdown in a relationship as an opportunity to really look at what is not working so that you can take the necessary actions to remedy or fix the problem in a manner that works for both parties?  If you don’t take any action in the breakdown phase, then a breakup is inevitable.

Here is a story of a friend who is going through a challenging breakup with her boyfriend.

She started our conversation by describing that she was not having a good day.  As she said this, she put on her sunglasses, apologized for her feelings and began to cry behind her glasses. (Humans never want to look bad no matter what.)  I told her to cry as I think it best to express our emotions. She had just broken up with her boyfriend.  They argued and she threw him out of her apartment (they were not living together).  Living together was the reason for the argument.  She could not understand why he had not moved in with her. She was frustrated, sad, and disappointed.  They had not spoken for five weeks until the morning she and I spoke. During their conversation he told her, “I love you but relationships should not have to be this hard.”  For her part, the conversation she was having in her own mind went something like this, “If we love each other, why didn’t he want to move in with me?”

What we want in life will only happen if we take the necessary actions to have them materialize.

So I asked her, “What actions did you take?  Did you have a deadline?” To which she said, “No. I was waiting on him. He said he did not have the money to move into a space we could call ours. I told him it was okay, I would pay the bulk of the rent. But he said, ‘No way.’”

Some men, no matter their situation, are not built to be supported or live off a woman.  Men will still be men. They still insist on pulling their weight.  For her part, “I thought it was his machismo shit.” Well, the fact is that he did not have the money but she would not hear it.  She confessed to hearing what she wanted to hear. Sometimes you are so in love with love and what you want, that you cannot truly hear what your partner has to say.

By no means is there anything wrong with wanting what you want, but you need to take action.  Was she taking responsible actions?  Or was she just continually talking about it in a way that it turned into nagging?  My friend realized she had not taken any real steps, nor had she created a deadline.  She really just waited, talked/nagged, cried, said I love yous and wondered why things weren’t going the way she wanted it to go. She began to see the part she played in the outcome with her boyfriend.

When you are ready and willing to be straightforward and honest with yourself, you can cast off all the things that numb your mind and keep you mentally and physically stuck in your life.

More on her story next week.

How do you feel about breakups? We invite you to comment in the box below.

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Noreen SumpterPersonal Life Coach: works with High Achievers who feel trapped in their private life.  They lack personal confidence and self-esteem. By helping them clear mental clutter and dissolve limiting beliefs, they can take deliberate steps, own their voice, speak their truth and have the freedom to live life their way.  “Live Life Your Way” 

   “Live Life Your Way”

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